I am in a new relationship which is going good except for the fact that he has a cat. I'm allergic to cats and really start sneezing and wheezing around it. What should I do?
Sneezing in Colorado
Dear Sneezing,
Ah, yes, the inevitable pussy problem. Or, puppy problem. The fact is there is probably not much you can do if you are newer in this person's life than their pets. Our pets, in today's America, are often playing the role of adoptive children. We've even learned to rely on them as "Emotional Support Animals". And, as much as he may have the hotties for you, early in the relationship the kitty is going to win. That is as it should be.
I've often thought that on dating profiles there should always be a place for cat owner/dog owner/etc. The only dating profile I have online (yes, I'm one of the masses of lonely hearts club, too) specifically lists I have an English Bulldog and if you can't get along with dogs, don't bother contacting me.
Something has happened in the last generation. In a 1969 survey, animals were kept as pets for the purpose of "providing protection or mousing" and in 2009, animals were kept for the purpose of "companionship" as the main reasons. Somewhere in that 40 year stretch our pets went from being serviceable to being a part of our emotional lives to the point they equal family and friends.
So, what happened? We've gotten so busy in our lives that scheduling time to be social and neighborly, we want social support on our schedule, when it's convenient. Also, as GLBT people, we aren't engaging in enough "generativity" or giving back to the generations behind us by contributing offspring or mentorship. Enter in our dogs and cats and you suddenly have little emotional outlets that are at your beck and call. Not on their schedule, but on ours. Is there anything wrong with that? Nope, not really. The adjustment has been so complete that the friendships are as genuine as they can be.
Here are a few tips to try to get in good with the kitty, if you really want to try it. I don't really advise it though, because if you find someone with a pet, you are pretty much going to have to accept the person with the pet. But do explore:
- Are your allergies real or imagined. Many of us manifest allergies to keep us isolated.
- Could you be a cat lover/dog lover and not know it. Spend some time with the pet.
- Communicate your fears about the relationship and the pet.
- Spend time at your place and see how much the relationship is gong to matter. You may be able to win a man alone from a pussy cat. Lord knows I've done it before, minus the cat part.
Agree to disagree and then move on to the next dating opportunity,
Good luck with the tissues.
Best,
Dr. Reece
Dr. Reece W. Manley is America's leading online GLBT professional pastoral counselor. He is available to his clients via Skype, phone and chat and offers the only $15 therapE available at http://www.gaylifecoach.info.
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