Who Let the Dogs Out

Dear Dr. Reece,
I've got a problem.  Actually two of them.  Opus and Redman.  They are my new lover's dogs and I am allergic to the canines.  I can't spend the night without suffering from allergies and it hurts his feelings.  I don't want to let him go, but I don't know what to do about the dogs.
Frustrated with Fido
(okay, folks, I couldn't make that up!)


Dear Frustrated,
I hear ya on the allergies - mine is cats!  But being a dog lover, I've got a lot of sympathy for your new lover.
Often, in the GLBT community and in the other people community, too, strong attachments form to our animals.  If you don't watch out, you may offend your new BF with how you handled it.  These are, after all, his kids.


The first thing to do is to have an honest direct talk with your new BF.  If you know him well enough to spend the night you know him well enough to talk.  Make certain you convey you don't hate the dogs, you hate the allergies.  Then the two of you can "brainstorm" some ideas on how to handle it.  For example, you may need to buy allergy medicine or move the over nights to your place. 


The important thing is to remember the dogs were there before you.  And, unless you're careful, they'll be there after you've gone sneezing into the sunset.


Good luck,
Reece

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Dear Dr. Reece,
Okay, smartie, what did the people in Oklahoma do to deserve the tornado disasters?
Mike L.
Aberdeen

Dear Mike,
I never claimed to be a "smartie" and these questions humble me.  There is no answer to the 'why?' here although we all certainly would like one.  As far as I can tell, these were just normal folks, going through their normal lives when - bam - the abnormal happened.  Full moon? Nope.  Friday the 13th? Nope.  Bad dental habits?  Well, it was Oklahoma....joke!

The truth is there is no answer save that some times shit happens.  When it does, what you do with it is a big part of how big the impact affects you.

When a bad thing happens in our lives, depression is an automatic response.  It's the automatic responses in life that we do have power over, though.  Yes, it sucks.  And, we are all allowed to just sit there for a while and feel sorry for ourselves.  However, nothing is going to happen until you break out of the victim role and begin to look at little things that you can control.

Here is a few things that one of the survivors I talked with decided to "get busy and get after":

• Contact Red Cross to ascertain help options.
• Alert family and friends they were okay.
• Ask for a month extension on all bills to free up emergency money.  Yes, almost every creditor will respond to a phone call or letter in a case of emergency.
• Call their state representative (www.oklahoma.gov) to get information on acceptance.
• Notify their church of their needs and ask a love offering be taken.

All of these put the power in the "victims" hands.  And, it turns a victim int a victor.  So, bad things do happen,  but what you do with them, how you ACT and not REACT makes all the differences.

Think about donating to a charity serving those in the Oklahoma Tornado Disasters.

Blessings,
Dr. Reece

Ask Dr. Reece is a service of Reece W. Manley, DD, M.Ed., MPM, a spirituality expert and progressive Christian author who is also an out and proud member of the GLBT community.  Persons needing advice are encouraged to write to reece@manley.net or visit http://www.pridecoach.net.

When Traveling with a Date

Dear Dr. Reece
When you're traveling with a date, what's your one tip to avoid it becoming a disaster?
Thanks,
Mike

Dear Mike,

Another travel question so I thought it appropriate today since I'm in Vegas.  There isn't one tip.  There is two.  First one, planning.  You've got to be ready to be face those little challenges of dinner in the room or on the oceanfront.  Or, that trek to see Renoir versus the side trip to the National Park.  If you don't plan a bit you'll eventually have some hurt feelings because it will appear that you are always doing what the other person wants to do.  That won't be true, but it'll feel like it.   Plan, plan, plan.

Number Two, so to speak is personal privacy moments.  Yes, even when you are head over heels in love.  There has got to be some alone time, even if it's just a quick walk, a shower or a few moments at the diner.  Having a little alone time will allow you appreciate all of the good stuff going on, evaluate the thing not going right, and finally just to check in with yourself.  Everyone needs processing time to fully appreciate a date trip.

Dr. Reece

Ask Dr. Reece is the advice column from "American's Favorite Online Pastoral Counselor", Dr. Reece W. Manley, DD, M.Ed., MPM, CSTF-M.  He can be reached for private counseling via http://www.pridecoach.net

Ask Dr. Reece - Who Dropped the Soap

Dear Dr. Reece:
I have a new BF who likes to get ready in the morning in the same shower and bathroom.  He just does "everything" with me right there in the bathroom.  I'm not a prude but I like my space.  I mean, I feel like I'm in a prison movie!
Duane R..

Dear Duane:


Ah, boundaries!  How we miss them once we let them get away.  You've given away your personal space and the rights to your personal space and now your mind is wanting to get that back.  I can't blame it.  I'd want to skip the prison toilet scene, too.


Chances are your BF just assumes this is the way things are done because he has had some past where it was the norm.  You have to tell him there is a new "norm" around here!  Break it to him gently and plan to get up early so he can have the time he is used to to get ready.


Also, if you are romantic in these times, explain it is not a rejection of romance but that you simply need your space in the morning.   Remember, boundaries are our friends!


Best,
Dr. Reece

Dr. Reece Manley, America's Favorite Online Pastoral Counseling and GLBT Spirituality Expert can be found at http://www.pridecoach.net.

Ask Dr. Reece - Simple Self Esteem

Dear Dr. Reece,
I'm trying to help my boyfriend develop some self esteem.  He's just entered recovery and feels horrible about himself even when I tell him he's wonderful.  Any ideas?
Dumpy in Detroit

Dear Dumpy:


You are very admirable for wanting to help your partner who is recovery.  It will take a while, but he'll eventually feel better.  You might help him do affirmations.  They sound kooky, I know.  But affirmation  (for reasons that are scientific but take a while to explain so I won't bother) do work.  They just need to have these components.


Working affirmations must include:
A specific positive statement.  "I am worth a raise v. I am a good person."  Both are true, however, only one addresses the specific issue.
It must be in front of a mirror, looking at yourself in the eye.
Must be said at least ten times to be effective.
Say it in a calm, serious manner.
If you catch a stray thought saying "Thiu is stupid" or "no one believes in me" then address the thought with "That is wrong" and then go back to the affirmation.


I hope this helps, you can find a diagram of affirmations at work below and visit us at www.gaylifecoach.info,


Dr. Reece Manley

Ask Dr. Reece is a service of Reece Manley, DD, M.Ed., MPM.  It is not intended to diagnose or treat a specific mental health issue.  Please seek qualified help or call 911 for emergencies.

Online Careers in Counseling, Coaching and Advising

Careers in Online Life Coaching, Counseling, Pastoral Counseling and Life Advisors

Dr. Rev. Reece W. Manley, DD, M.Ed.,MPM 

Did you know people spend more than twice as much money on “non-standard” therapy than they do on psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and ALL other state licensed helping professionals put together?  Think of that, TWICE as much.  And, online the counseling industry is serving the public more and more frequently.

Why do people prefer to receive help online than in person?  First of all, it’s more convenient.  There is no drive or bus schedule to worry with.  Secondly, there are more “off hour” appointments available such as Saturdays or in the evening.  Also, people prefer online therapists because of the added confidentiality.  No one knows when you meet with your therapist online or over the phone but they sure know it when you drive up to the office with your car.  People don’t like to be embarrassed by being seen by friends going into a psychiatrist or psychologist office.

As an online life coach, life advisor, pastoral counselor, you will find more clients more quickly than you would if you tried to start a life coaching center in an office.  You would still have the same problems state “licensed” helping professionals have – no one wants to be seen as needing help.   But, online, people can be exactly who they are and can use any name or life situation and know they are not going to be judged.

But hold on.  You need two things before you can hang out a “counselor” sign on the Internet.  

First, you do need some training.  Just because you like people, doesn’t mean you’ll be automatically successful as a therapist.  Secondly, you’ll need the right certification or registration to provide advice and counsel within your state.  These may be quite strict, but, fortunately there are ways around this, so don’t be discouraged.

Let’s talk about education first.  The Certified Spirit Thinking Facilitator Academy was recently accredited by the APPCA (one of America’s oldest accrediting organizations).  Spirit Thinking is a great thing to learn because you are exposed to a wide style of counseling but it focuses on the most effective counseling method ever used, according to Texas Research and Investment, a Dallas consumer research firm.

The CSTF Academy is also very inexpensive compared to other online programs.  A student’s complete training including coursework, textbooks, Certificate and even business cards all are provided for one low price.  While AIHT or COMTP, who are not accredited by APPCA or other groups, cost begin $2,499.00 all the way up to $12,500.00.  CSTF Academy costs only $395.00 and can be completed by most students In less than two weeks.  Plus, you may qualify for $200 in financial assistance!

After education, comes your right to practice as a counselor.  Here you want to be very careful as “life coaching and life advisory” are beginning to regulated by the States.  But, the U.S. Constitution guarantees you the right to practice as a Pastoral Counselor.  That’s right as a minister you are guaranteed the RIGHT to provide counseling services.  Maybe you’ve never thought of yourself as particularly spiritual person.  Or, maybe you don’t have a sense of a loving, empowering God.  You can find out how much your Creator loves you and wants you to work for the good of your life during your pastoral training.  I recommend Many Paths Ministry.  They are a challenging program but very reasonable in their price and you will feel proud of earning the ordination.  However, if you are in a hurry, you will find places who will ordain you on the Internet for almost nothing and almost immediately.  But, patience is a virtue.

If you enjoy meeting people, helping people save their problems and often have your own friends and family members, why not make it your life’s work.  The need is great, will you answer the call?

                                                 

Resources:

Certified Spirit Thinking Facilitator Academy

(http://www.spiritexpert.info)

Many Paths Ministry

(http://www.manypathsministry.com)

American Professional Pastoral Counseling Association (APPCA)

(http://www.appca.org) 

Ask Dr. Reece - The Love Boat

Dear Dr. Reece,
I'm going on a cruise with a guy I've been dating for only two weeks.  How's it going to go?  How am I supposed to act?  Do I check out other options aboard?
SS Confused



Dear SS Confused,


Ah, the open seas. Sunshine. Cocktails.  Pools with tanned bodies lying about.  I'm jealous.


The main thing to do BEFORE the cruise is to have an open and frank discussion about these issues with your date before the cruise.  There will be plenty of opportunities for romance, but you need to know if that is supposed to be given to just the person you're going with or is it really just a date cruise, where no commitment is expected?


If you both decide it's "just a date", one of you is lying.  A cruise is a big deal.  A week with another person in the same cabin is a big deal.  There is just no way to get around the envy and jealously that will explode if you are not 100% completely honest with the ground rules.  


Be specific and be sure to cover...

• Does the other person expect you to be with them 24/7? Do you want to be?
• Do you have "date days" and "play days"?  What are they?  What are the limits?
• What about sleeping together?  Yes, no or multiple choice?

The more honesty you show, the more fun you will have.  If one or the other is paying the entire way, then these questions go out the door.  You can be assured that, despite what is said, the one paying expects a monogamous experience aboard ship.  If you don't feel the same way, pass on the trip.  Or, offer to pay your half.


Good luck.  If it doesn't work out, I'm available for cruising anytime!


Best,
Dr. Reece


Ask Dr. Reece is a service of http://gaylifecoach.com and is not to be taken as a substitute for counseling.  If you would like to seek out a fun, forward, fantastic therapist, Dr. Manley is available at http://www,gaylifecoach.info.